Ever cried to the point that the only noise you could hear is your own sobbing? Everything else got drowned in the background. It's like you're alone, but your mind won't leave you alone. 

Episodes like these are normal to me, now more than ever. I don't know if it's the growing up or if I'm late to the game. For God's sake I'm 25, why am I sobbing every now and then for things that I thought I had dealt with, or safely buried and locked in the deepest pit of the ground. Life won't get you off the hook so easily. You thought those years of numbness really meant that you've gotten over things and healed, but they turned out to be untrue. You gotta face them, can't run away, they won't let you. 

Sitting alone with your thoughts really took your mind to places you would never have reached had you not been alone. I thought I got ahold of life pretty well, but apparently not. It's not all bad but man, how I wish I can avoid this pain. 

To the eldest daughter out there, how are you hanging on? How do you cope after all those years of carrying responsibilities and being the hope of the family? How does one ever rise above this? Is it even possible? There's just too much pain and guilt that it feels almost impossible to breathe. 

How does one ever cope with the death of their mother? How? You basically lost half of your life. How do you ever live again? You left me too soon. I'm not prepared for all of these. Why? How do I push through? Will I ever make it out alive? When all I'm carrying with me are guilt and shame - being a disappointment, a wasted potential, not being the best example to my younger sisters, not able to keep my promises to you. It's too much.